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Friday, July 15, 2011

Echo's Endless Call




Locked behind the long lost walls I wander through the lengthening listless shadows,
Seeking a sunlight that never was perhaps, and perhaps may never come again,
Calling forth the savvy savants of silly ceremony's of centuries past,
Grasping for the grotesque guile of gormless gurus who claim to know the unknown.
Seeping up through cracks in the unseen slabs beneath my feet, eternally clutching at my ankles,
scratching the skin from my legs and tearing my veins apart as I cross
the threshold from that which  I have I accepted and learned to no longer despise
to that which I fear the most and cannot continue to avoid.
Eyes as sunken as the deathless call of Echo caught within the grey, cold caves
Leaking forth the salty brine of seadrops long shored up inside
Howling as loud as the silence of a foggy, dim day
And praying that someday you might return my way.
Never understanding the deepening depths of the shallow spinning inside,
The explanation for the tattoos burned to the inner lids of my eyes eternally evasive,
The leaps and dives of emotions as those sacred tattoos are replaced with the original picture 
only to yet again become the centre of all that matters most.
And still I sit. 
And still I wait.
And still Confusion washes over me threatening to drown me now as it never has before,
Sucking the wind from my lips while offering my lungs the crisp cool calmness of death,
Welcome it might be if Hope did not grab my ear and drag me to the surface
forcing the harsh cruel breaths of Faith into my soul.
Endless are the cycles of despair and grief and wretched hopelessness
and still I breath the scent of strength emanating from somewhere I can only think is you
And it lifts me to the heights of heroes of eons past 
And I believe that I can conquer this silence that resounds inside 
seeking walls upon which it can reverberate it's lonely sigh.
If only you knew the greatness of your gentle power to hood my heart, expose my soul
and cause my waking hours so many thousand minutes of hallow aches,
If only you could remember promises told in Timeless times before The Age and Sage caught hold and dragged us into this unseemly realm,
If only I knew the key to crack the code,
If I had the bore to drill the hole,
If I had the very presence of mind to step within your soul Dav√≥g and seek the answers to my thoughts,
Then might I find the peace I seek and rest contented within the grave of life.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Happy Never After

And so it is that once upon a whisper all things fall apart. Hopes and dreams part easily at the seams and we mayhaps wonder why. It's those goddamned minor powers-that-be flying in the face of happiness, power tripping like civil servants with the authority to connect your call or not - never is it true power, but irritating nonetheless when your call is disconnected. 

We live lives based on a bubble mixed with a semblance of what-might-be, never knowing that nothing is real save the pain we feel when it all comes to a crashing halt. What can we ever truly depend upon? 'Friends' disappear into bubbles of self-absorbtion when talk no longer centres on them; colleagues are only interested in trampling others to death as they claw for the next promotion; politicians seek only to serve their own higher good; family are never in a position to truly care, although they would never wish to think it; children, well they are only children and we cannot possibly weigh them down with the heartaches of adult life. And so we trudge along through the half-melted snow drift which clogs our steps and drags us from a potential sprint to a sluggish plod.

So what should we do? Should we continue to plod along or should we create for ourselves a metaphysical snowplow? Should we speed through the raging drifts, ignorant of those plodding the road with us and do as others do, pushing aside those who matter nothing to us? Why should we continue, considerate of others who care nothing for us, or who at least, do not care enough to ask how we are? 

For many of us we fear divine retribution or karma; we believe that someday, somehow, somewhere it will pay off, that we will somehow be rewarded or that our goodness towards other will bring like-kind back to us. But what if the atheists are right? What if it is all just a big ball of bullcrap? What if we are plodding along, struggling through every stupid little heartache for it only to end in the darkness of the grave?
From childhood we are filled with Hollywood nonsense, every tale has a happy ending. Real life alas, is not in the hands of the Hollywood scriptwriters, but is held in the hands of some unknowing beings, be they angels or demons - or at least it feels that way ofttimes - and they appear to delight in taking the mick out of us as it pleases them. 

Children should not be allowed to watch Disney movies, teenage girls should not be allowed to read romance, chick-flicks should be screened only with health warnings - all are full of the same 'happily-ever-after' bull that counts for nothing in the real world, but which ultimately create an unreasonable, unaccomplishable benchmark by which each and everyone, consciously or unconsciously, measures their life, their happiness and their life's worth. Maybe it is time to make it all stop. Was life so terrible before fairytale romance became an acceptable norm? I think not, for the world survived as did humankind and for a longer time. This is not to say that the mythical 'Soulmate Love' should be cast aside, but it should be given an appropriate place within real parameters. Children should grow up to realise that life has real limitations and that overcoming them requires hard work and heartache - you cannot google a cheat for the solution to an obstacle! You need to plod along and rummage in the snow for the tools to aide us which may or may not lie hidden there. Children need to learn that life is lesson after lesson, but it is never a happy-ever-after.

I ofttimes wish that I had never learned to read, for dreams are born in the covers of books and murdered in the dull light of reality. If I had never read of the mythical 'happy-ever-after' would I be any less happy in life without it? I believe that I would be happier in the life I do have, if I did not measure it by a yard stick painted in Atlantian numericals. I would embrace each and every achievement with joy in my heart and lightness in my soul, proud of the accomplishment I achieved rather than wondering what it might be like to attain it while also having the 'happy-ever-after' alongside it. And so instead of enjoying the moment I wonder what if, and taint the present moment with the poisonous sweet syrup of 'what-will-never-be'. 

Each and everyday I thank God that I have a son and not a daughter, for men I believe find it easier to disassociate happiness and the 'happily-ever-after'. This most likely connects with the books and films which are directed at them during their formative years. With all this in mind I decided that I will no longer allow myself to be socially defined: I will live as I please; I will dress as I please; I will talk as I please; I will act as I please - because even when I try to suit others, I don't, so sod them. At least by acting like me I am sure to please at least one person - me. And at the end of the day, when things go belly-up and life comes crashing down, who is there for me? Me. So I will please the only person who ever tries to please me. Thankfully my son loves me for me and does not define me. I love him all the more for it and I hope and pray that he grows up with different expectations and a healthier acceptance of reality than I did. If he does, it will all have been so worthwhile in the end. Mayhaps the end will be the reward.                                                                                                                         

Sunday, May 8, 2011

True Love is Wanted Not

True Love is Wanted Not

Thinking of the years of wasted thoughts that fell to their deaths in the depths of the bottomless chasm of shadows, 
Seeking the retreating light as they gathered a deathless speed that sped them forward into darkness before them,
Groping for ropes or throats or the vapour thin roots of the nonexistence life force which created them for their ultimate destruction,
Lunging ever downward with mindful thoughts of things that never existed for the crop on which they would feed was never sown,
The womb which should have birthed them was ripped from its tendons and cast into the eternal fire of nothingness - lifeless.
Twisting and turning, sighing and soaring, wondering why in their lightness they should gravitate heavier than lead,
Pulled like a magnet and held in between - now plunging to places unknown, unseen, unventured - barren.
Distorted, mistrusted, mutated, torn - destroyed by the creator who unknowingly knew not what they were,
Death, a welcome release refuses to budge and sits unrepentedly, mocking the spiralling cognitions as they descend.
The residue of confusion sits at the edge and stares deep into the hollow wondering what in Hades has happened again,
For how can it be that now as before the signalled distress was not felt from on-high but allowed to escape, to slip and fall to Tarturus
To be birthed in Light and created as Cosmos, fleeing the ripping, tearing fingers of the Hundred-Handed Ones,
To haunt in the echoes of endless nights, taunting the heart of the unloved, the unlovable, the eternally doomed and ever forsaken.

Warrior Princess

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Undoing the Undone

Undoing the Undone

I walk along the borderline and delve softly into your world
Where whispering winds with breath so light cause tenders thoughts to whirl
And heartbeats sound so softly forth creating the gentlest light
The silent tweets from secret beaks strange feelings do incite
I breathe the deepening sough o' flowing seas and sigh
I feel your presence seeping through from somewhere way up high
Unopened eyes peer through at me and see right past my smile
I wonder where I came like this and left again tensile
The tiny crystal dewdrop forms upon my brow
And I feel the cooling pink-tint grass penetrate my vow
Oh where again shall end this walk that brings me far from home?
To feel the cloudy grip of heat that by my side does roam
At longest last depart my way and let me drift in peace
To fall complete into your arms, my race to finally cease.

Warrior Princess

I Will Not Follow Ye!

I Will Not Follow Ye!

I will not be ruled by a heart wrenching pull of forceless wonderment which causes my stomach to churn and my head implode,
I will not accept that I cannot exist in the freefall life which I have accepted and which the Powers-That-Be have long imposed.
I will not be moved to the senseless nonsense of being ruled by a vagina or controlled by the physical explosion of a hormonal reaction,
I will not join in the remorseless games of the 'I-am-slut' brigade nor wallow in the shallows that drown the 'I-hate-men' faction.
I will continue to enjoy all that my life offers me and I will thank God every day that I do have to suffer the shit which I once endured,
I will accept that the actions and reactions of my present life are merely the end result of many unwept emotions that are now obscurred.
I will hold my head high and let it be known that I do not need to conform to be happy nor play the endless thankless games of love to feel complete,
Let it be known that I AM happy to live a life free of all the hogwashed churned out balderdash which always eternally ends in deceit.

Warrior Princess

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Cherry Blossom Wish

Cherry Blossom Wish

The heavy scent of lilies hangs in the evening haze,
The cherry blossom petals swirl a dancing craze,
As the sun begins to set upon a fading line,
Once again your eyes prey dark within my mind.
I watch the day draw to a peaceful end,
And all around me the darkness doth decend,
It covers all from low to high,
And drags me deep into its sigh,
It blocks my sight and blots my thoughts,
In its depts my dreams are wrought.

I wonder why I do this all again,
Playing hopscotch with the wish within my zen,
Deep within I know that this could never be,
For somewhere long ago I simply lost the key.
I do not know the numerous complicated ways,
Nor the meandering paths of many a modern craze.
I never learnt the rules,
Nor ever acquired the tools,
I do not know how to progress,
Eternally caught in an overiding regress.

I watch the swirling confetti dance 
As tiny petals wave to the branch
The careful creep of an empty evening chill
Echoes of a sad uneasy shill.
The breath within my breast chokes forth,
My throat constricts allowing food no more,
I spin beneath a thousand whirring chakras,
Hurtling through unending realms of akrasia,
I hope to hit the bottom soon,
Dashed upon the rocks my body strewn.

The shadows deepen, my heart concedes,
My overarching brain agrees, 
But deep within  a hidden depth of deathly shadows,
Lurks the tentative calyx  of a microcosmic meadow,
Awaiting footfalls unfelt,
Of he who is indwelt,
And here within the Hope of Evermore,
Like swirling petals to the gods implore.

Warrior Princess